Friday, June 26, 2009
The Male Mystique
The male gender has a lot going for it, generally speaking. We tend to get paid more for doing less than the average female. Urinating standing up is very convenient and fun. Mustaches and beards can be groomed into many fresh and exciting shapes. All of this, however, rarely makes up for the fact that, however forthright and upstanding we may seem in our Match.com profile, we are all just quivering masses of neurosis and raging hormones on the inside. And I don't think I've ever found a site that really captures this seemingly disparate situation as perfectly as Psychotic Letters From Men does.
Straddling that fine line between bat-shit insanity and simple patheticness, PLFM is your one-stop shop for stories about that guy who took his affections a little too far. Thankfully, none of the stories on PLFM ever devolve into physical violence as it does so depressingly often in police blotters all over the world, but it's hard not to be amused by a fully grown man dressed up in a Hershey Kiss outfit screaming at a disinterested co-worker that he knew she was allergic to chocolate but that "I'm a piece of chocolate you can have!" The video above comes from this site - apparently the object of our four-wheeling Hercules' affection ran so far that even the internet, with it's unlimited resources, cannot find her. A good thing too: somebody who made a parody version of this video became the target of psychotic and profane comments when the romeo in question found out about it. One suggestion for reading this site: open your ITunes and cue up "My Body Is A Cage" by The Arcade Fire and push play every time you read something along the lines of "Derek didn't get the hint." or "Linda wasn't ready for what happened next." It's psycho-tastic!
Why do some men seem to focus their romantic intentions on unwilling subjects so stubbornly that PLFM is riddled with stories that end in restraining orders? Personally, I blame an unceasing sex drive and John Cusack movies. However, YouTube personality bill122460 has another theory: women be bitches.
Bill is one of the founders of the TFL (True Forced Loneliness) movement which postulates that the only reason women won't date homely, poor guys that are really nice is because they are secretly in league with the NWO: a rogue government-created organization that is working hand-in-hand with feminists, the WWE, MTV, and well, just about every entity that has ever been even tangentially connected in conspiratorial circles. Bill and his corpulent co-founder and friend, then enemy, then friend again, Dwayne Holloway have been spreading the gospel of TFL for months and Bill himself has somehow amassed a staggering 485 videos outlining how feminism caused 9/11. I usually listen to his slurred rants in my headphones while working on legal forms at work. It really seems to make the day fly by when Bill starts talking (quite seriously, I assure you) that McDonalds is kidnapping children, sacrificing them to Satan, and then grinding up their meat to put into Big Macs.
So there you have it. I suppose the true nature of the male mystique is somewhere in between the two extremes.
Where have all the cowboys gone, indeed.