Friday, May 29, 2009

Totally focused!

Apparently, every school in America's budget is due today so I really haven't had a chance to put together a decent post. Instead, I'll answer the question that's on everybody's lips these days: "YHP, why are you so fly?". After watching the next video, you'll understand how I keep my dance card so full. See ya next week. Maybe.

Friday, May 22, 2009

YouTube Superstar: Chris the Parade Kid

I'm not going to lie to you, things haven't really changed all that much since last week. I'm still kind of down, due mostly to the severe ineffectiveness of Chicagoland sports teams: Since Sunday the Cubs are 0-4 and the Blackhawks are 0-2 in their playoff series. Add to this my own NHL09 slump (0-4 with 2 different teams) that has actually seen me cry out to an indifferent god for just a single fucking light in the darkness. So as you can see, I'm in need of a little pick-me-up that only three days of no work and nice weather and Chris The Parade Kid can bring.

Chris is a delightful enigma. He appears to be a white male of indiscriminate age (made harder to define due to his omnipresent high vocal register) who dons over-sized cardboard Spock ears, mom pants, some sort of (presumably) stuffed bra and sleeveless lycra top and bounces up and down to various pop music songs while swaying his arms at irregular intervals. He received the moniker of Parade Kid from his frequent appearance in his Georgia hometown's annual Independence Day parade wearing his usual "elf" outfit (sorry about the Lenny Kravitz):

Why does he do this? Is it the result of some explosive combination of mental retardation, psychological problems or bizarre sexual fetish? All three? What's his deal with Harry Potter? And what the fuck is a Pikachu Wall? I believe the answers to all these questions are: who cares? He's obviously comfortable with who he is and what he does and by existing he has brought minutes of amusement and bewilderment to bored cube-dwellers like myself. And for this I salute you, Chris. May we non-elves experience just a pinch of the joy that seems to follow you wherever you bounce.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I got so much trouble on my mind

First off, let me apologize for the lack of posting. I wish I could say I've been negligent due to some huge event in my life or something, but this would be untrue. I vaguely remember having plans for some dumb-ass thing a few weeks ago, but before I could post it, a couple of things happened that really sapped my will. Like I said, nothing earth-shattering, but bad enough to make me hate the human race a little.

1: The Pew Research Center for the People & the Press survey on torture. Now I know a lot of you have probably seen this report, digested the finding and have gone about your merry business, but when I first heard about the findings I felt like I was punched in the gut.

I was never a very religious guy. I was lucky enough to be raised in an almost completely secular household and really only attended my grandparent's small Episcopalian church on Easter Sunday and maybe Christmas. The experience left me with an overall impression that religion was kinda boring. The preacher droned on while I fidgeted in my pew, every now and then kneeling down or standing or following along with some hymn being read in a monotone voice. But one thing I understood was that for all it's faults, "big C" Christianity generally promoted the best impulses in people. Sure it could seem condescending at times and pretty fucking hypocritical, but throughout history, it's track record is pretty decent. The vast majority of current charities in the US are Christian and great advances in many, many fields of science and technology where developed in conjunction (or at least sometimes not in direct opposition) with religious organizations. And on a personal level, how many of us know some fuck-up who seemed determined to destroy his or her family with drinking or drugs only to be born again and become a positive influence?

Does nobody remember the Inquisition? The horrible atrocities visited on innocent parties during the Crusades? Where in the goddamn bible does it say it's OK to suffocate people if they're from the mideast? Does "Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me." ring a bell with you dumb fucks? Doesn't that MEAN anything to people anymore?

Never mind. I know. "Homos, pornography, abortion, blah blah blah...". It's less of a religion now and more of an exclusive club and, Jesus Christ, is that ever sad.

Alright. Deep breath.

2: So I was visiting a friend of mine after work one evening and this person's TV was tuned to one of those "fatties lose weight as some skinny bitch screams at them" shows. Not The Biggest Loser, but one of the many knock-offs. And I was only half paying attention to it when they did some sort of demonstration involving a hamburger and fries. They were cutting it into sections, probably explaining the fat content or something. Immediately following this segment, we, the viewer are whisked off to the local Subway. But you could only tell it was Subway because the host said "Let's go to Subway!" and then they appeared in some kind of mirror-universe Subway where the "Sandwich Artists" are all fresh-faced young people instead of greasy, bored teens furtively taking trips to the cooler to get high. Then the camera leered at the fresh vegetables being prepared and the "Healthy Choices" sticker on the immaculate sneeze-guard. Then they went to commercial.

HOLY SHIT! Did I just see them stuff a whole goddamn ad for a fast food joint INTO THE FUCKING SHOW ITSELF? How long have they been doing this? This went way beyond product placement or "This episode of 'Let's Exercise An Become Less Chunky' is brought to you by...". This was a soulless infomercial being passed off as a TV show. All I could think about is the poor kids across America watching this shit and thinking it's normal! It made me want to scream and piss on my TV and boycott Subway and send a letter to...

Oh, shit, the Blackhawks game is on!

Eh, so, in conclusion, uh, stop being Christian and meatball subs or something...