Friday, June 26, 2009

The Male Mystique

The male gender has a lot going for it, generally speaking. We tend to get paid more for doing less than the average female. Urinating standing up is very convenient and fun. Mustaches and beards can be groomed into many fresh and exciting shapes. All of this, however, rarely makes up for the fact that, however forthright and upstanding we may seem in our profile, we are all just quivering masses of neurosis and raging hormones on the inside. And I don't think I've ever found a site that really captures this seemingly disparate situation as perfectly as Psychotic Letters From Men does.

Straddling that fine line between bat-shit insanity and simple patheticness, PLFM is your one-stop shop for stories about that guy who took his affections a little too far. Thankfully, none of the stories on PLFM ever devolve into physical violence as it does so depressingly often in police blotters all over the world, but it's hard not to be amused by a fully grown man dressed up in a Hershey Kiss outfit screaming at a disinterested co-worker that he knew she was allergic to chocolate but that "I'm a piece of chocolate you can have!" The video above comes from this site - apparently the object of our four-wheeling Hercules' affection ran so far that even the internet, with it's unlimited resources, cannot find her. A good thing too: somebody who made a parody version of this video became the target of psychotic and profane comments when the romeo in question found out about it. One suggestion for reading this site: open your ITunes and cue up "My Body Is A Cage" by The Arcade Fire and push play every time you read something along the lines of "Derek didn't get the hint." or "Linda wasn't ready for what happened next." It's psycho-tastic!

Why do some men seem to focus their romantic intentions on unwilling subjects so stubbornly that PLFM is riddled with stories that end in restraining orders? Personally, I blame an unceasing sex drive and John Cusack movies. However, YouTube personality bill122460 has another theory: women be bitches.

Bill is one of the founders of the TFL (True Forced Loneliness) movement which postulates that the only reason women won't date homely, poor guys that are really nice is because they are secretly in league with the NWO: a rogue government-created organization that is working hand-in-hand with feminists, the WWE, MTV, and well, just about every entity that has ever been even tangentially connected in conspiratorial circles. Bill and his corpulent co-founder and friend, then enemy, then friend again, Dwayne Holloway have been spreading the gospel of TFL for months and Bill himself has somehow amassed a staggering 485 videos outlining how feminism caused 9/11. I usually listen to his slurred rants in my headphones while working on legal forms at work. It really seems to make the day fly by when Bill starts talking (quite seriously, I assure you) that McDonalds is kidnapping children, sacrificing them to Satan, and then grinding up their meat to put into Big Macs.

So there you have it. I suppose the true nature of the male mystique is somewhere in between the two extremes.

Where have all the cowboys gone, indeed.

Friday, June 12, 2009

I quit girls

Just some random thoughts - Larry King style!

Why does Harmonix wait until I'm virtually broke to announce the release of a whole lotta awesome Iron Maiden tracks for Rock Band? And why do they make me have to figure out how much money 2000 Microsoft Points costs?... I work in an area right next to the IT staff and yesterday I could hear them arguing the relative strengths and weaknesses of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective vs. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls... The difference between right-wing kooks and left-wing kooks is the ability and general inclination to kill another human being for their dumb beliefs... My sister has decided that she loves Lady Gaga.... Fun City in Burlington will let you purchase plastic bottles of beer and float around in pool with a bunch of kids for as long as you want for $10... The band Japandroids have surely released one of the top 100 most rocking debut albums of all time... Bruiser Brody was one of scariest badasses every to get murdered in a shower stall by a Puerto Rican... David Letterman's writers may have mixed up Sarah Palin's kids, but surely "Number 5, Alex Rodriguez loves to rape children!" would have a suitable replacement joke... Synecdoche, New York is a great film if you don't mind devastating character studies about aging and loss... Despite this, it grossed less that 1/100th than a movie about giant talking robots that shoot each other... The Chicago Cubs organization continue to pretend to be a major league club, but this flies in the face of empirical evidence to the effect that they clearly do not know how to play baseball... I've spent a criminal amount of money buying old role-playing games from the eighties on eBay because I'm a broken human being... I would probably have a more favorable opinion of Twitter if it had something to do with titties... If I can't find anything else on television, I will settle for watching an episode of Cops... While re-watching Repo Man recently, I noticed a joke I hadn't before... It was "The Rodriguez Brothers do not approve of drugs." "Neither do I, but it's my birthday."... I enjoy WFMU's Beware of the Blog, but mostly for the features about old radio/TV personalities... When I'm on the phone at work, there are countless times where I want to roll my eyes back into my skull so bad that it actually causes me physical pain... The fact that Fox and Friends currently airs repeatedly on a basic cable channel will always blow my fucking mind... You know, I really don't mind the taste of rye whiskey, and this terrifies me....

Well, that should be enough for now. That was kinda fun.