Happy Thanksgiving!

And now an important message re: HOPE

A terrifying, blurry glimpse into the future!

So here we are.

Months and months of hype has finally, FINALLY led up to this moment. Years of planning, thousands of dollars, tons and tons of bickering and spiteful rhetoric has finally led to this. This is our shining moment on the hill, our chance to be something bigger than ourselves and participate in a scenario that will change the course of human history as we know it. Brothers and sisters, I am here to tell you that it has not all been in vain - Fallout 3 is a pretty good game.

Bethesda has managed to make a game that will satisfy most of the diehard Fallout series fans and casual gamers alike. Aside from a few problems with the game locking up on me (fixed, I think, by clearing out the hard drive cache), it has delivered on all fronts - an engaging story, solid and easy-to-pick-up gameplay and, form what I've heard, quite a bit of replay value. With that in mind, I give Fallout 3 a 5/6 quarters erection:

Also, today is election day for this country so it's a good time to post another patented IGBALOH Pointless List!

And go vote. Or don't. Me? I probably won't because I think this voting thing is for queers.

TOP 7 THINGS THAT HAPPENED DURING THE '08 ELECTION THAT I CAN PUT INTO LIST FORM

7. THE MCCAIN GIRLS

Hey! Remember the McCain Girls? These lovely ladies appeared on the scene early on in the campaign with everyone's favorite electoral provocation, song parodies! Clever little ditties like the one above and "Here Comes McCain Again" cheered up one sector of the electorate which desperately needed it and enraged the other which sometimes needs to chill a little. Of course, it all turned out to be a hoax perpetrated by one H. Jon Benjamin, who, apparently expanding his horizons beyond pulling fast ones on infants, had to be laughing at the whole mess from the sidelines.

6. LARRY SINCLAIR



Back in 1999, a dashing young rogue by the name of Larry Sinclair found himself alone in Chicago, IL and met a man who inquired if Mr. Sinclair may have a taste for certain illicit pharmaceuticals and some company for the evening. When Mr. Sinclair agreed, this person naturally called the state representative's office and a certain young Mr. Barack Obama was on the case! Arriving at the upscale hotel lobby, the two eventually absconded to the back of a rented limo where crack-smoking and head-giving abounded! And yet, to this day, Senator Obama refuses to recognize this special night even occured! And the mainstream media, of course, just ignores it because Mr. Sinclair failed a lie detector test. FOR SHAME!

5. MALCOLM X, JR.

But not all journalists are so yellow! One intrepid blogger by the name of Pam Geller has stumbled upon the story of the century and she is shouting it from the highest blogmountain! While going over the reams and reams of evidence that Barack Obama is not a U.S. citizen and therefor CANNOT possibly run for president, Ms. Geller uncovered unmistakeable proof that Barack Hussein Obama is, in actuallity, Barack X! It's hard to discount these allegations, especially since, oh, I don't know... THEY LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE! OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!


4. ASHLEY TODD



Man, does election season bring out the crazies. When Ashley when to the Pittsburg 5-0 with some fucked up story about how she was mutilated by a crazed negro Obama supporter, Drudge was all over that shit. Instead of muttering stuff about ACORN and blaming the growing support for Obama's campaign on the popularity of black celebrities, all the closet racists had something concrete to point to. That is, of course, until the wacko finally confessed she made it all up.

3. JOE THE BOM-AHH JOE THE PLUMMER



Smell that? It's a fresh marketing gimmick, straight out of the RNC's labs! You would have thought Joe Wurzelbacher had proved Barack Obama was the anti-christ and then strangled him with his bare hands on his own front lawn instead of had just having a polite discussion about economics. Of course, once the meme had traction Joe and Sara did their damnest to shoehorn it into any and all interviews regardless of whether it was pertinent or not. Hence, the video above.

2. SARAH FUCKING PALIN



THE QUESTION WASN'T ABOUT FUCKING BILL AYERS YOU FUCKING CUNT. DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING ANSWERS THAT DON'T INVOLVE JOE THE FUCKING PLUMMER BILL FUCKING AYERS OR KARL FUCKING MARX YOU SPASTIC FUCKING HALFWIT? IF YOU HAVE TO TAILOR YOUR ANSWER IN SUCH A WAY AS TO NOT OFFEND THE FUCKING ABORTION CLINIC BOMBER DEMOGRAPHIC THEN YOU HAVE SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS LADY.

This woman will be president one day.

1. IOWA PICKS OBAMA



In the weeks leading up to the Iowa caucus this year I kept hearing an echo. This echo returns every four years and it says basically the same thing: "What's so goddamn special about Iowa?" "How come those farmers get to go first every year?". Well, besides the obvious ( e.g. someone has to, you douche) I'd say it's first in the nation status can be put down to the fact that nobody usually gives a shit about Iowa. We don't have any large population centers. No grand structures. I doubt Des Moines is in the running for the Olympics anytime soon. But once a fucking year, the arcane and unknowable electoral process forces all Americans to cast a glance towards the middle of the country for a split second, and without an Iowan in the race, this year's caucus was up for grabs.

And Iowa nailed it.

And for the first time in my life, I'm really proud of my state.

Happy Halloween, kids!

Rudy Ray Moore 1937 - 2008

And I just got around to watching The Human Tornado and Disco Godfather this weekend, both of which were frikkin' awesome.

One thing that struck me about The Human Tornado was a scene in which Dolemite, on the run from a racist sheriff is forced to hitchhike back to California. He is picked up by a guy who is one of those 70's cartoonish homosexual characters that always seem to take the brunt of the "hero"'s pent up masculinity in these types of movies, usually resulting in either deviant's gruesome demise or at least a macho ass whompin' with a bunch of homophobic slurs thrown in for good measure. Instead, the lisping stereotype chauffeurs Dolemite and his crew to L.A. and is eventually thanked by the Bad Motherfucker and leaves the film happy and in one piece! I have to say I was surprised and a little touched by that development.


He's kicking honky ass in heaven now.

As you can see (or maybe you can't - apparently I live in a cave), I've been busy.

BONUS MEAT PHOTO - MUST CREDIT YHP!!!!!:

While I was uploading the above video, I stumbled upon some photos taken earlier of my son's birthday party including this one of Godfather's Pizza's All Meat Combo:



Yep. That's bacon.

Hail The Old, Ugly Flesh

So here's how YHP decides which movies to record on his DVR: during the commercial breaks for baseball and football games, he uses his TV remote's "guide" function to scan all of the movie channels looking specifically for movies that were made between the years of 1970-1990 that he has never heard of. I'm actually kind of at a loss to why I do this, but I've so far settled on an overall weariness to the concept of irony which is omnipresent in most films produced within the last few years. Conversely, I could just be an old fart yearning for a simpler time or an elitist, pretentious douchebag looking for something to snicker at. Whatever works.

Anywho, he sees a movie labeled "Shivers" produced in 1973 which doesn't ring any bells with him and reads the plot summary which describes the movie as a horror film set in an apartment building that involves parasites. This hits all his requirements so he hits record.

Later he has some freinds over and, looking for something to watch and discuss, decides to watch the first few minutes and see what he captured and almost immediately is treated to what looks like footage from a snuff film - an overweight, older gentleman has set upon a schoolgirl in what looks like a hotel room and at first, it looks like he's trying to rape her. Turns out, he's just trying to strangle her and cut her open with a knife, but really the first impression is that this is a fucking ugly-ass movie. YHP's friends leave and he stops the film and considers deleting it, but reconsiders. After all, how bad could it be? As it turns out, it's pretty fucking bad.

The acting is wooden and the actors are uniformly ugly and often nude. The location is ugly, a Montreal high-rise full of small, dingy apartments. Child actors are put into sexual situations, including a lovely scene where two snarling eight-year-olds in bikinis are led around on a leash. The plot is laughable with scenes of homosexuality and incest seemingly inserted randomly to "shock" the viewer. It has a kind of standard, "zombie apocalypse" kind of ending, where the unappealing hero is swarmed under by rapist zombies and a coda that hints that this is but the first battle in the global war on oily, horny parasite hosts.

Finally my curiosity gets the better of me and I Wiki this film only to find out something I missed during the credits - this is David Cronenberg's first film!



Now the dream-like logic of the film kinda makes sense, and the preoccupation with sexual issues. Also, the bad dialogue and corny, laughable actions of the hero make sense - it's a great director's stumbling first stab at a full-length film!

So, yeah, see it if you have a chance. It's got that classic 70's decor and fashion up the wazoo. Just be prepared to watch some of the ugliest people ever shot on film (including a man who's looks improve when several parasites get stuck to his face) and some creepy sexual situations ("Have you met my daughter, Erica? She's a very beautiful girl. Come here, Erica. I just know you'll like my daughter, Erica.").



Long live the new flesh!

I'm Back

Back in a Pointless List mood!

TOP 5 PRO-WRESTLING ANNOUNCERS

5. JIM ROSS - Yeah, that's right! I'm courting controversy with the very first pick! That's just how I roll! Considered by many the greatest hype-man in wrestling today, Good 'Ole J.R. is easily recognized as the voice of today's WWE despite recently being taken off of the flagship show of the promotion and being shuttled over to the lesser, taped program Smackdown. Make no mistake, the version of J.R. currently pushing such luminaries as The Great Kali and Festus bears only a passing resemblance to the man who called the action during such classics as Ric Flair Vs. Ricky Steamboat from WrestleWar '89.



4. JOEY STYLES - Criminally underrated. I think Joey brought a great understated enthusiasm and sardonic humor to the ugly stepchild of wrestling that was ECW back in the 90's. Looking slightly sleazy in his cheap suit and slicked back hair, he was the perfect carnival barker for the promotion's weird, wild mix of extreme violence, in-your-face sexuality and piss-taking, surreal promos. While I admit I don't currently watch the tamed, corporate "ECW" that they show on Spike (or is it Sci-Fi?) anymore, I still look forward to new episodes of The History of ECW on WWE24/7 which are introduced by Taz and Joey who provide insight while acting like old high school chums reminicing about the good old days when they barely made enough money to get by.



3. LANCE RUSSELL - The eternally put-upon broadcaster for CWA in Memphis. "Banana-Nose" had a great, plain-spoken speaking style that brought a great deal of weight to the sometimes ridiculous happenings around him. Of all the announcers on this list, Lance might be the most recognizable to non-fans of wrestling - his is the voice heard announcing most of the action during Andy Kaufman's wars with local Memphis favorite Jerry "The King" Lawler during Andy's documentary I'm From Hollywood!. His description of Kaufman's technique (frantically waving his hands blindly in front of him to ward off Lawler's attacks) frequently has me in stiches to this day ("Kaufman says he can do this HOURS at a time!").



2. Bob Caudle - Although he might be better known for his interviews than his match commentary, I have to include him on this list for his work with the man at number one. Bob had a great quality that made him such a fan advocate, one he shared with the late great Gorilla Monsoon, that made you think that he really, truly cared about all the babyfaces and would be disappointed, day in and day out, with the actions of the heels. Possessing a voice as smooth and mellifluous as Bing Crosby also helped me forget that he was once on the committee that helped elect southern dipshit Jesse Helms to political office.


1. Gordon Solie - Of course any discussion of pro-wrestling announcing begins and ends with the Dean. Gordon, along with Bob Caudle, were truly the greatest announce team in the history of wrestling during the Mid-South years. Solie's rapid, staccato delivery was a perfect counterpoint to Caudle's deeper baritone. Every now and then they'll show Championship Wrestling from Florida and Gordon's no-nonsense interviews (given while at a big desk with his still smoldering cigarette in an ashtray before him) still give me goosebumps. Truly, a broadcasting legend for all time.